One Of Those Times Thursday, November 09, 2006

One Of Those Times
Current mood: cold
Category: Life
I'm just rambeling my thoughts here because they're all jumbled up.

Mollie, if you read this I want you to know I would never purposely rip someone's heart out. I think in order to actually rip it out that would have to be intentional. I've had my heart ripped out, smashed, shattered, and broken every way my mind can comprehend. I know it'll heal, and I think I'm on my way, but people have to realize that it is very fragile.

Was there ever a time when you said something unmeaningful and someone took it meaningfully? I think that happens a lot. I have trouble reading people and often misunderstand the tone of voice one uses. I like to know what's on people's mind so I don't have to always wonder.

I hate it when people don't tell me something I do/did bothers them and it festers until it's blown out of porportion and then next thing we're both hurt.

One of those times...

Sitting and wondering if it's one of those times. Did I already have one of those times and it passed me by?

A time in life to cry and a time to be happy. Once you've let the tears flow is there another time to cry or is that it? If you cry again are you using up one of those times you're supposed to be happy?

When it rains it pours and sometimes it floods, too.

If it did pass me by, when did it pass?

What did I miss and if I go too fast will I miss it again? Can I go back and try again? Are the times in life like a continuous circle?

How do I know what is too fast and what isn't? Where do I start or have I already started? If this is the end when was the beginning? How long is the middle so I can prepare myself for the long haul. If every end is another start, how do I know it's over and something else has began?

I like to be prepared because when you need tweezers there are never any to be found. I got a quarter inch spliner under my fingernail the other day. The pain was horrible. After the first half broke off I thought it was gone, but it wasn't. I had to dig under my nail and pick away some of the skin to get to the other half. It was such excruciating pain, but I had to bear with it.

Sometimes I think my life is like a splinter. The hurt is so deep and sometiems you have to dig around the pain to get the relief you need. My finger still hurts, but it's getting better. I still hurt, sometimes a lot, but I think I'm getting better.

I love my children, but I can't bear to explore them right now. It's hard to be strong for them when all I feel is weakness. It's so difficult to see them and not want to hold them forever and let them know that it's going to be okay.

I'm getting better, but sometimes late at night when sleep still won't overcome me and I'm chilled in the deepness of my body- I think and know I'm still weak and must move forward.