Yeah, It's Private Grrrrr ~venting~ Saturday, December 16, 2006

* editors note- this blog was originally private, but Mark hacked into my myspace account and published it for the "public" to see *

Yeah, It's Private Grrrrr ~venting~
Current mood: irritated
Category: Life
I am so freaking mad. Why in the world does everything have to be so complicated? What did I do to deserve crap from every freaking one. The only person not giving me a hard time is Kirby. Gosh, I'm so infatuated with him. It's been a long time since I've felt this way -it's totally different from Logan.

Yeah I liked him a lot. I mean a lot. Given the chance I know things would have been difficult... and likely not work out with him going to Purdue, but I do feel like that was ripped away from me.... I would have loved him if he wanted me to. There I admitted it. I would have. I am capable of it. So Logan drops me & only wants to be friends. I can deal with that right? Yeah I did it once before, but I don't know what Logan expects. He's freaking jealous of Kirby- doesn't want to see me with him. Well if we're friends what does it matter? Did I say anything about him flirting with that Ms. Emily? NO I don't care because he's free to make his own decisions. I certaintly hope he doesn't get with a girl like that. He's got so much potential I hate to see it wasted on some girl who's only going to try to get into his pants... At any rate Logan was a safe bet because I know the chances of us not working were high... so I didn't have to worry much about the future and was able to take my time with him...

Now it's just weird between us because he acts like he still likes me sometimes and others he doesn't. I get mixed messages.... So I asked him what he really feels and he "misses" me. Why because I kept him company? That doesn't make me feel very good. It makes me think of someone of convenience when he had nothing better to do... He says he cares about me, but how? What does that mean? Am I supposed to run my dates across to him? Recently he's made comments like what Mark would do- especially w/Kiby... He works too much and thinks money is the most important thing right now. Where are his priorities? I dont want someone who puts money over friends and family. You grow old and realize you have no life because you worked so much. Then you wonder why didn't you just take a chance?

So here I am on my own when Travis contacts me wanting a "relationship" after hearing Logan & I are likely not working out (I'm still not even completely sure what we were?!) Well I'm not ready, nevermind that he's in another state. I like him, but after thinking about it, only as a friend. He's a great guy, really. At least I could use him being out of state as leverage against him liking me.

Then Keith. Gosh Keith I wish I knew what I could do for you. You are so down on yourself and so depressed and so negative. I don't understand why you even like me... Because I paid attention to you and liked you. Am I not allowed to like guys w/o them thinking I want more when I certaintly don't? I may have if he'd been patient with me and wanted to take things more slowly... like go on a date & get to know each other. I don't appreciate how he's so up and down. I need more stability. I need someone that doesn't have so many problems right now because I know I have enough of my own... I get the impression when we talk we just bring each other down, and I know I've cried because of us at least once. I want to be able to build up my partner, who I'm with and help him, but I know I'm so needy right now I can't deal with it. I have to either have someone help me through my rough time- or get through it myself. I can't help someone when I can't even help myself right now!

And what's with all these younger guys "liking" me anyway? What do they see in me that they want? I mean if they can like me so much why couldn't my own husband? Is there something I'm missing?

Back to Keith (or any person that feels they have to put themselves in a catagory "below" me): FYI anyone- your job description does not matter to me. I could care less if you were a toilet cleaner or a window washer (well maybe a toilet cleaner because that's kind of gross) but you get the point. I am not in a different league than any other normal girl, nor am I a different class. I'm not unattainable. I don't base my attraction soley on looks. You can't judge me by my friends! I base it on personality, stability, security, and so much more. Can we carry a conversation? Do you like my quirks? Do I like yours?

I apologise now but I will not, can not, get involved with a smoker. I can't. I don't like the smell, I don't like the taste, I don't like it. Not to mention I'm asthmetic, regardless if you go out side to smoke I don't want it. What if we were to go on a date & hit it off really well? What if we got married? (yeah I know I think in the long term probably too much) but I determined smoking was something I didn't want to be a full part of in my life when I was 15. I can't budge. Sorry! I really do feel bad, but I don't know what to do! I can't go back on certain standards.

Yes i do have my standards- they are usually based on experience and my personal morals or values. I won't back down from them. I mean I'm not in highschool just discovering who I am. I'm 26 mother of 2. I don't want to date around a lot and fall for guys and realize it can't work when I know from the start it won't work because of my preset standards. I don't want anyone to think I'm being rude about this, because by all means I'm not!! It's just the way I am...

While I'm at it- my most recent (besides the obvious no history of cheating or possesiveness) main man, whomever he may be (kirby I'm hoping) must be religious or spiritual in some way. I don't care what kind or denomination (well, no satanists). He can't make fun of my religion, I demand respect! Because I pray every night and I read the bible almost every day. I refuse for someone to make me feel like less of a person because I have a belief and faith. If it weren't for my faith I would be dead right now.

D e a d .

I tried to kill myself once and it was a failure. I tried to harm myself recently with a straight edge blade and I had barely pierced the skin when I threw my body into a panic attack. If it weren't for my children or my God I would probably have found a way to go through with it.

I am a very depressed person, I know I am. I can fake it at work, I'm so much happier when I'm not so alone all the time, but I have to get used to beign alone. That's just the way it is for me. I know it. I don't know if I should be taking my pills or not because I don't know if they're working. I think about it all the time, how everyone would be so much better off w/o me. My children have a replacement. Anna wanted a family- so she may as well have the rest of mine. Gwyn told me today she liked, loved, & missed her. (thats OUR thing- NOT gwyn & annas!!!) Gosh I could just shoot myself. So what!! I'm worthless!

I don't think I'm the greatest person around, nor the prettiest. I'm noting special.. In fact, I think I'm pretty worthless most of the time. Ppl tend to yell at me when I say that.

I see that smile in the pic beside here and it mocks me. My day shall never come, nor do I deserve it too.

I think I may be in love with Kirby Young. That kind of freaks me out. I don't know. How can I love? How can I be loved? What does he find so intreguing by me? What is so freaking special? I don't understand it. Any guy would have to be crazy to get with me, but he says to let him be the judge of my character. Does he know what he's getting himself into? Am I even really good for him? Probably not. There is a reason I'm divorced now and a reason I'm not supposed to fall in love.

My heart was supposed to be hard, closed and put away. I'm cold and not capable of someone loving me... I suppose if you can be in love with the greatest phobia then you can be in love with me.... I don't know what to say. I have never met anyone like him -ever. Every message he sends me I want to lock away and keep it forever so I can reread it over and over when I'm feeling down. I yearn for him. To hear his voice, to smell him, to touch him. I want his kisses and so much more. I just want to be with him. I feel safe and secure. I feel wanted and appreciated. I trust him and he says he trusts me completely. I've never had that. He fits all the criteria of my definition of love. He's so patient with me, beyond anything I could ask for, he's kind to me and considerate, like I'm the only girl that's ever pulled on his heartstrings. He does not boast, he isn't overly proud or jealous. He hasn't been rude at all or self seeking (although I may have a few times, he he) We are honest with each other and shun anything evil and wrong. He's had experiences similiar to mine and for whateve reason he misses me. I don't know if he feels the same way I do or not but I'm falling, falling hard.

I want to tell him that I love him, but I feel like I'm going to pass out. I'm seriously freaking out a little here. I'm scared to death. I know if he actually does want to love me back I'm going to screw it up. I'm going to be moody too much. I'm not going to be able to please him the way he likes or wants me to.

And it scares me to trust him. I mean if Mark can cheat on me after 9 1/2 years how do I know that he won't? I'm not saying he will, but how do I take the leap of faith and give him all my heart without reservation? How do I know? I can't handle getting hurt again! I can't! I will die if it happens again.

We've only been seeing each other a few weeks. This is so sudden and so fast... Is it right? Is it real? My stomach flips everytime I think of him. Gosh I want him soooo badly. I really do. I want to know how he feels about me. Will he love me back? I asked him of only one thing- when he decides he loves me to please love me more than he's loved before. Was that too much to ask? I need help!!


Comments:

Aryan,
Wow! I think it was great that you were able to get your feelings out!! That a girl!!!
I just finished some Chinese food for an early dinner and thought I'd share the fortune I found in my fortune cookie: "The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands." Awesome! Love is a word that gets thrown around all too often. I think this fortune is trying to say, when someone loves you, it's not about how much, how hard, or why, but instead that they will be there for you no matter what (whether you're moody, overjoyed, or havin' just a ho-hum day).
My lucky word for the day was "Miss You" (Xiang-nian ni). Hope your days get better and you have good fortune with Kirby.
Josh
Posted by Josh on Wednesday, December 20, 2006 - 4:37 PM