Even a seaside breeze can't cure this... Friday, February 09, 2007

Even a seaside breeze can't cure this...
Current mood: worried
I wish there was one day where everything was clear and I knew exactly everything I wanted to know and was satisified.

I suppose that wish has come true because there have been times, even recently, where I was perfectly content and happy with every aspect of my life.

I'm still working on my happiness, the little bit that has been granted to me I'm so greatful for. I know there is more to the iceburg. I can feel it deep down and I know it. I have to believe in it, too. My faith has been shaken, but it's still there- barely.

I am a sabotage, interferring with my personal happiness. Okay I will admit it, I still think about him. I get "homesick" if you will. I think about Mark and my "old" life and everything I thought I had, and how even though I had my bad days- I was generally obliviously happy. I liked the relationship we had (before the you know) and the closeness I thought we had. I liked the inside jokes we shared and the little things we did for each other that made a difference. I can't think of many right now (besides Mr. Potatoehead), but I know there were a lot... Certaintly there had to of been.

When I talk about "us" I typically refer to all the negative things because it's easier to justify my dislike and hurt with everything.

I am in love, no doubt, but it's riddled with insecurties and frankly, sometimes I'm scared. When Kirby's around (even if he's just in the other room), I feel so much better. I know everything's going to be okay and I have no worries. I know he loves me back. I'm an asset to his personal capital.

but my "issues" still lurk in my head. The ones I talked to my dr about. Mark reinforced these issues. I thought I had overcame them, but I haven't. Will I get proven wrong?

I don't want to screw things up with Kirby, and I wonder how can I? By being homesick for a failed marriage to someone who cheated on me with a girl I thought was one of my best friends... Why do I care? Why? Why do I still feel hurt when I see him? What is wrong with me? Am I ever going to fully get over it?

I can move on. I know it. Sometimes I have to force myself to forget him & forget the last 10 years of my life. I wish I could erase them...

I know I don't need him, nor do I want him. Seriously, if it came down to it and I could get him back would I? No. Did I not try hard enough to save the marriage? I wonder that maybe I didn't try and maybe subconsciously I did want to end it.

It just hurts- everything. I'm glad we are able to talk to each other and be friendly, but all it does is make me want to break down. It's exhausting. And does he really want to be my friend? How can I be friends with someone that I was in love with for nearly a decade and it was thrown away like nothing.

How can I find love and not worry that it'll get thrown away? I find myself at the point of no return with Kirby. I think no matter what at this point if something happened, like he were to get tired of me- it will hurt. I don't want to get hurt again.

I don't think I can tolerate it. I've thought about breaking up with him, but I can't. I love him too much to hurt him. I think he'd probably be better off with out me. He says otherwise. Who's right?

Am I even worth it? Mark didn't think so... and I never thought in my entire life he would ever leave me. So I ask-

Am I worth it?

Comments:

Aryan, My dear you are totally worth it... I have some personal stuff i will write to you privately because i do not feel like the world knowing!
Posted by Mystica on Friday, February 09, 2007 - 9:14 PM

Oh girl, you will eventually get over it, and from what I hear Kirby knows your worth it. you are the most honest and loyal person I think I have ever known. it just takes time. you will see. good luck to you, you do deserve the verry best!
Posted by Elizabeth on Saturday, February 10, 2007 - 4:43 PM