He attempted... (private, sorry) Monday, February 19, 2007

He attempted... (private, sorry)
Current mood: tired
it. It almost killed me. The thought that I almost had to tell my children... I can't even think of it.

I wish I could erase every memory of him out of my mind. I don't love him the way I used to. I don't love him in the way a girl loves a boy.

Because of our past and history there will always be a part of me that will care- a part that will hurt. But I could never go back to the way things were nor would I want to start over. The main reason I'm even as attached to him as I am is because of our children.

Every decision he makes affects them and when he makes poor decisions it's going to inevitably affect me. If he hurts it's going to hurt them. If he's happy they'll be happy. Those are normal emotions they will learn to deal with and appreciate. But they could never appreciate any kind of harm that would affect their relationship with him negatively.

I like where I am in my life right now. I still don't think I should have had to go through that hell that I did; I'm glad that I am where I am, though.

Mark still wants to talk to me and confide things in me, but I can't take it. It hurts every time he does. I had to tell him not to talk to me anymore. This is the whole stupid part of my mind: Here goes the truth. Even though I feel the way I do about him (and I mean it) I wanted him to admit that he loved me and always have and was super sorry for what he did. I wanted him to tell me that and let me go completely. His words of hatred still ring in my ears. I guess back in the deep part of my mind I still wonder what has she got better than me? Why did he leave me and my children and our family, our house, our life together, our dreams, and future for her? Why is she so fucking wonderful? Why does he have to tell me how much he loves her? I hate it. I hate her.

I don't tell him my love life and everything wonderful that Kirby does that he never has... It's respect.

Oh and none of his business!! His life isn't mine either, so I don't want his life to be a part of my business.







I'm happy with Kirby and the life I am leading. Sometimes I still hurt (as noted above) and I get "homesick" (just for my obliviously happy part when things were nice....) but I will never go back. Nor do I want to now that I know there is so much more love out there for me to grasp.

He truly loves me, and I want to put my trust in him. Mark has never loved me as passionately as Kirby does. It's a wonderful feeling to be so completely loved.