I'm in love, but I feel inadequate (a ramble) Sunday, January 14, 2007

I'm in love, but I feel inadequate (a ramble)
Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships
I have come to this conclusion... Which I don't even think is a conclusion because it's more like a revolving solution to a problem that is so simple it's beyond complex.

There is only one thing my fragile heart desires. A love that is so wonderful and so free I don't have to think about it, but be in awe of it.

If you're in awe does that mean you DO think about it or does it just FLOW over you?

Why is it when I'm with the one I love (my heart flips in my chest just thinking about him, and us, and our children) I feel that way? I am just so amazed by him and how he loves me and our chemistry together. The connection I feel is one that I have never felt so strongly. Even more so than any other...

I strive to understand what I can not- which is how on this Earth could I actually have a love so deep? I'm like a volcanoe, what flows beneath the surface waiting to erupt is beyond any human comprehension. I can't even fathom it myself, yet try to explain it... and he has shown me I can feel this way. It's like I've been dormant for so many years because every time I was about to erupt the cool waters of the oceans (or perhaps other lovers who were not ready for this) fizzled me out.

The last few months- the last 5 and a half to be precise- have tested and tried so many things on me with so many levels. I swore off love and KNEW I would and could not love again- ever. I was accepting this life. I was going to be OKAY. (perhaps a bit bitter, but all in all okay.) Love, that cursed thing is something I did not want to deal with again. I felt it creeping up on me once or twice but I shoved it back inside. I damned it.

I certaintly was NOT looking for love when it found me... but it did. And it's embracing me tightly. So tightly it's difficult to get my negative thoughts out of my head, but fortunately for the insecure, fearful, doubting side of me there is a leak.

Honestly I don't understand how someone can love me.

I posted this in response to someone's blog, and even now I think it's true: I find there is nothing worse in life than love... and as the love grows more it gets even worse. Is love worth waiting for or chasing after? I don't know. The more I swear off love the more I find myself yearning it and indulging myself unhealthily in it...

I'm scared my love from me is inadequate for someone who has shown me there is so much more out there than what I knew. I'm learning. I can do things by myself, but I don't want to. I'm naive and inexperienced when it comes to this. I feel like a small child. I'm immature and sometimes worthless.

Why would someone want someone like me? I have trust issues and am so insecure. (yes, I realize I'm beating a dead horse repeating these things, but they do come up in my head more than I appreciate) I get sad when things turn to "normal" and we're "used to" each other. Although that is what I want. I want my securities back, so when my love is gone away I feel good about "us" with no worries that he'll get tired of me. But isn't it with time that people do get tired of each other? Is it possible for 2 people to be in love and choose to love for a lifetime?

I think of my grandparents, they are the epitome of love. Grandpa still would pinch Grandma's butt and tickle her. I want to be the old people together for a zillion years that can hold hands and still desire the touch of another. Am I being selfish?

I've contemplated love in so many forms an fashions I could write a book on it... It would be one of those books that could promote thinking, yet when you're done reading it you're no better off then before you saw it on the shelf. Is that what love is?

I've asked once before if love is so great why does it hurt so badly? I had an array of answers none being no more right or wrong than the other.

My fears are masked by my love. I want to love without fear. Can I? Is he able to help me through the rest of this? He says he can; I need to give him some faith. I know he will, but why does he care? I'm not special; there is nothing extraordinary about me that makes me more prized to someone than anyone else...

I see him do so many things and he's involved and excels at so many things and knows so much about everything he likes I feel that he could do much better than I. I know very little of an array of things, but not a lot of anything that could benefit... I'm overwhelmed. He says he doesn't want anyone but me and it doesn't matter why he loves me just that he does. And he loves me more than comprehension itself.

God knows I love him and if I got hurt again- I seriously don't know. I love to love and want to love, but how can I release my fears once and for all so I can love freely and give him all my love? He deserves it. I can, and I have, but I don't want to take any back. It's a difficult thing, allowing yourself to be volunerable.