recycled paper still carries legible words Friday, January 05, 2007

recycled paper still carries legible words
Current mood: hopeful
Category: Games
I don't understand me. I need you. I need you terribly. When you're around the world stops spinning and things settle for once and I know I'm loved and safe and sound.

When you're not here my creepy guy scares me. The bastard digs around in the cages in my mind that I am trying to keep locked away in the recycle section and brings up stuff I don't need. Stuff that must have stuck to the bottom of the bin because I thought I had gotten over some of that & made clean sheets of paper for my memories.

Why can I be so settled and happy with you and at the same time have a zillion things tramp through the folds of my thoughts and scare me? Am I a double standard?

But then when I want to share these fears with you- they diminish. What do you do to me? Are you beating that creep up? Are you helping me get rid of those unwanted feelings and issues that no longer need to be a part of my life?

Please help me, how do I get rid of them when you're not around. Do I need to depend on you for always? I will because I know you'll protect me... I'll give you my trust because you're already mending it for me.

I feel so secure with you- but you're not here! Does it scare you that I need you so badly? Is it okay that I'm needy & clingy and I want your every spare moment? I'm at ease even when we're off doing our own projects but you're here and I can kiss the back of your neck when I walk by.

I try to swear off love and forget it exists, but then I think of your smell and the gentle protective touch you give me. I don't know if I could have dreampt a better man. You're beyond too good for me! You're too patient and so loving.

Love- so many things- I contemplate it endlessly and still can't comprehend it or how it works... I know I want it and I know I can give it. I want to explore it, yet I also want to keep my distance!

Sometimes I still dream of the infamous line by Mary and how everyone would be better off without me. How can I love if I'm not even able to love myself properly? Is this even possible? I think so because I'm still healing and when I love I can heal even more so. My friends, family, and those that love me are helping me along my slow path to recovery... and happiness. I shall claim it once more... and when I do- it'll be with a vengance!

I'm so stinkin moody! It's so annoying (yes you can annoy yourself because I annoy me)

I'm going to unleash the rest of me onto you. I want to let go of everything and show you the love I am so capable of. I can be good for you, too. I want to be. I know there is a time coming in my future when we're apart that I won't cry. I will miss you and nothing else will matter. You'll fight those horrid monsters for me. You said you would.