what makes it yours? Tuesday, September 02, 2008

what makes it yours?
Current mood: enlightened
I was thinking about some things today. I think about things every day and they vary from day to day, often minute to minute. It's all about finding peace in the chaos of my mind. There are so many variables that I ponder and at times it's hard to pull oneself away from the what if that you almost chose.

So I was going through photos today- organizing a bunch that got messed up from when I moved and the ones that I recently developed. So I was looking at the pictures remembering this time and that.

My life is as I thought it should have been up until a couple points. Where did I go wrong? When did I decide this other way was the better way to go? Why didn't I fight harder for the things I wanted and fight harder to get rid of the things I didn't want? Why didn't I embrace the special moments, instead letting them slip away? Why didn't I take more time on one thing and less time on another?

It never seems like we have enough time. Except when we're miserable. Then time crawls.

I used to go to church every Sunday. My faith drug me along to services around strangers I've known for years in which I felt uncomfortable. My faith told me I shouldn't wonder what I got from them because I needed it. I said I went to church because God saved my life. I said my prayers every day. I thanked God for so much I had in my life and for the things He was going to give me as I grew older.

Sometimes I wonder what the redundancy of my prayers. Did God listen because he knew what I was going to say? I still pray every night. I think sometimes I forget. I feel guilty if God doesn't know that I really am thankful for some things. Then again there are other things that I used to mention daily and they were fruitless.

So I talk to God and this debate is inside me. It's between us. I think if something were to happen would He still take me in His arms? I don't always do everything right.

Anyway as I was gazing into some memories of the past this old prayer crept into my mind. I was so happy and grateful when I bought my house- I had worked so hard and it was something I wanted more than anything in the world. It was in the perfect location- with everything I wanted plus more. I loved it. I was so happy. My prayer of thankfulness overflowed with gratitude and like I've never felt before. I told God not to ever let me forget how I felt and even though it wasn't the nicest place (we humans always desire for better)- that I should remember all the work and trouble and dreams come true to make this happen. That prayer plagues me quite often. I don't know if I'm as grateful for this home as I was for that one.

I keep telling myself that I should have tried harder to keep my house. I should have fought more to keep it. I should be in it right now! My trees are probably so big by now… I would have painted by now…

I need to shake it out of my head! The debate continues, but why does the physical possesion grasp me? Why plague my presence? Perhaps because this house isn't mine. I hardly helped in looking for it. I didn't partake in any of the work in getting it. It wasn't my dream or my location.

Don't get me wrong- I like this house, it's just not like it's a part of me yet.

We have been here almost a year and we haven't even put any pictures up! Half my stuff is still in the garage.

Comments:



You should have an open house and tell everyone to bring a hammer so we can hang those dang pictures up. :)
Posted by Satarah on Monday, September 01, 2008 - 9:07 PM

I know exactly how you feel!!!!! I just moved in with Tony in his house. I couldnt afford my apartment living alone. So, i am here, with him. I love it and all, i mean we painted, we are remodling...but yes, its not a part of me yet. I mean i would have picked something a bit different if i got to pick it out with him, its just not me yet. I miss my apt....but i love being with tony at his house...and every time i say his house he corrects me and says OUR HOUSE!!! lol...i have no pics up either...we should have a pic hanging party for the both of us!!
Posted by Missy on Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 10:20 PM

Hi, RyRyI see your still as random as you used to be!! It's cool I am too!! Well I could go into the whole God thing and take up this whole page but, It looks like you are, at this time focused on the house. We can't live in the past, that is why they call it the past. If you let your mind and thoughts hang around there too long you will get depressed. Sometimes we have to leave things we love behind to move fwd to better things. Try this- I noticed you kept saying house, start calling the place you live your home. You keep thinking its a house instead of a home because you call it a house. (i think i confused myself) Anyway start calling it your home and you will start to feel better about it. Words as you know are powerful! A simple little word can change almost everything!
Posted by Joseph on Friday, September 12, 2008 - 5:03 PM

sounds like you need to go back to church.... find a good one tho... don't keep going to the same one just because of guilt or because it is what you know. trust me. i dont think there is anything wrong with that church but i have found a WONDERFUL church that i love so much... they teach directly out of the bible and they dont have all those "rules" when you believe those "rules" just fall in to place. Our pastor is all about the BIBLE and spreading the word.. i have learned so much from this church that i never learned or even think that that church teaches... my churches website is honoringhim.comi was scared about not fitting in with my past and all but this church has accepted me and my family with loving open arms... and they have so many out reach/bible study programs for kids and adults. there are GREAT churches out there just pary about it and He will lead you there. He did me!!! and best of all they are a pretty small church. i just love it and am so glad to be back walking with Him!and the pictures dont feel to bad i have lived in my house for almost 4 yrs and only have 6 pictures hanging up. i hung up more but they all fell off the wall so they havent been hung back up plus the glass broke in atleast one of them.
Posted by Mystica on Monday, September 15, 2008 - 11:37 AM


Hey, you said, don't give yourself impossible goals. Why not pick one wall per week-end and tackle the pictures one walls at a time. Or if it's frames you seek, garage sales are nice for those... but regardless break the problems down into tiny easily digestable chunks!About God, shoot, I have no idea. I fight so hard with myself and can rarely tell who's winning. I'm a lazy christian... Sure I thank God, and pray for things. I'll share my faith when it's convienent. My prayer is more often than not, for God to have patience with me...I hate thinking about the past. It all eats me up inside. I'm more conflicted than the middle east! The future is more fun, the possibilities are endless!
Posted by Ben on Monday, September 22, 2008 - 8:48 AM